the karma of jokes

there is a running joke at the dialysis based on the premise that no one really wants to be there

("where do you want the needle?" i was asked last night. "in someone else's arm " i replied)

a common one is trying to finish our sessions early, you know like telling the nurse techs that when the countdown clock says 2 hours to go, it really means 20 minutes, that sort of thing. yeah, its joking but not really if you know what i mean.

last night, the guy in the bed next to mine was trying something of that sort on with jills, one of the nurse techs, when beth (another nurse tech) came up and joined in the fun telling jills that the patient was checking to see if she was a soft touch (she isn't incidentally)

"do not let him off early" says beth

i look up and decide to put my two cents in: "you'll notice," i say to jills. "that she didn't say not to take me off early"

beth turns around to me "did i hear you say you wanted to do an extra hour?"

of course i backed down immediatly. we all had a good laugh and then each of us went back to what were doing.

cut to 9.47pm as i finish my session. it had been pretty good, only my nurse-tech shelley had worried when my bp dropped below 110 and dropped my blood flow to 350ml/min. (i've been pushed up to 400ml/min since i saw the specialist last week).
but this is when the problems start. first of all when the needles are removed, it takes ages to stop bleeding (as the needles go directly into an artery, you can imagine that there is a lot of blood). when the needle is eemoved there are two band aids and a special piece of material put over the resulting hole. i get a piece of gauze and press down hard on it until the bleeding stops. ususally this happens afeter 2.5 to 3 minutes, but last night it kept bleeding for five minutes. on each needle.

after the bleeding stops they do a final check on my blood pressure to check that i'm not going to faint on my way home. shelley does things by the book (101 ways to delay your patints getting home) and so insisted that i do this check standing up. bad move, as i stood up, everything started getting blurry and my bp came out at 95/36. so i did it again, sitting down. 88/33 and again. 86/30. and so it went. i had a bit of water and eventually, shelley got another needle and put 200ml of fluid back in. eventually my bp climbed to 108/45. "thats close enough" i say, grab my laptop and run (well, shuffle slowly) out of there.

as i'm leaving, i pass beth and note that the time is now 10.55. i had indeed spent an extra hour there

"i'm sorry" i say to her "i'll never joke about leaving early again"